badliifechoiice2 | KHR Hell v2

[More banana smoothies... Like when they were sitting together in Spanner's workshop, and Shoichi himself was breaking down a little bit from the stress of everything he had to do. He has to admit, he's made a sort of mental connection between banana and things calming down, although he's never figured out just what makes Spanner's taste just a bit different.]

It'd be nice. Could you help me up?

[His stomach is still internally combusting on itself and, while he'll be fine once he's on his own two feet... He needs to get there first.]

Yeah. Come on. [And Spanner goes the extra mile, not just pulling Shoichi up by the hand but wrapping an arm around his waist once he's on his feet to support him.]

...I guess things are pretty stressful right now. [For people inclined to feel stress. Spanner only gets stressed when his work is in danger. Or, occasionally, his friends, though that hasn't been an issue until recently.

His only real friend up until now has been Shoichi, who's been quite safe at Byakuran's side all these years.]

[There's a split second jerk when he feels that arm around his waist, surprised at the gesture even though he knows... This is just how Spanner is. Not even hesitating in the least despite everything that's gone on. Shoichi slumps a bit, one arm still wrapped around his stomach.]

Yeah.... But... It's nothing really new.

[Not for him, anyway. The only difference is that now everything is out in the open.]

You're openly going up against Byakuran now. It's new.

[Spanner's just going to walk Shoichi toward the kitchen.]

I know better than anyone how dedicated you are to this, but...it's gotta be hard on you. And you're probably running a bigger risk than anyone else, even though you're not living your double life anymore.

[Letting himself go along with Spanner's movements, Shoichi sighs.]

...He knew I was going to betray him, so I wonder about that.

[It's enough to throw everything he knows into doubt. If he knew, why not cut things off at the source? Illusionists, doubles, whatever, he could have long ago replaced Shoichi and no one would have known the difference, all so that this plan could go into action smoothly instead of... this.]

[Even years of being at his side, and Shoichi still has no idea what's going through his mind. He wants to believe that not everything about their friendship was faked, but...]

...Hey, Spanner?

It's new for you, even if it's not new for him. [Spanner shrugs, as much as he can when their shoulders are pressed together.

At the question, he glances at Shoichi.] Mm?

[A moment like this, and he should look up. Make eye contact. Yet Shoichi isn't sure he can, even if he wasn't curled in on himself as much as he could while still walking.]

...I'm sorry.

[Spanner blinks, glancing over at him. Then, as realization for what Shoichi is apologizing for sinks in, something in his eyes softens, and he smiles.

He didn't need an apology, but it's nice to know that Shoichi was upset over it. Was worried about him.]

I didn't give you much of a choice. It's not your fault. [He pauses.] ...I should probably be apologizing to you. You had better reasons for what you did than I did.

[A cattle prod straight to his spine couldn't make Shoichi jolt up quicker, eyes wide as they fly to Spanner's face and his brows crumpled together.]

What- for not killing a fourteen year old and trying to figure out how something works?! For not going along with a plan I told no one about!? Versus how I gave the order to actually kill you-

[Oh, whups... There he goes, hand pressed to his mouth and his arm still wrapped tight around his middle. A stress stomachache, as it turns out, shouldn't have more stress added to it.]

Shoichi! [Now Spanner sounds alarmed, and his arms are going around Shoichi to keep him from falling over in full fetal mode.] Just relax, okay? We should wait until your stomach settles down before we talk about this.

[Although there's the possibility - judging by Shoichi's outburst just now, and the fact that they haven't really talked about this yet - that he's just going to want to clear the air now, and to hell with his stomach. Shoichi's grimaced through these things before.

Spanner's not sure that's the right approach, but Shoichi's always been even more willful than him when he gets his mind set on something. What happens next will probably be decided by Shoichi, not him.

It'd be nice to get him to the kitchen and get that smoothie into him first, though.]

[Unfortunately, Spanner is right in his assessment of Shoichi's character. For all his flaws and weaknesses, how unsuited he is for combat, his stomach... He's incredibly stubborn.]

[It's one of the only things that have gotten him this far.]

[He's already shaking his head as Spanner grabs him, pulling his hand away from his mouth to grip at his friend's shirt. The words don't come easy, but he forces them out anyway, trying to pretend his voice doesn't shake.]

I had to watch you die.

[Or, rather, almost die, but... In that moment, it hadn't mattered. For that brief, horrible, gut wrenching moment...]

[He thought Spanner had died.]

[He thought he'd lost one of his few remaining friends in the world, with one more still waiting in the near future.]

...Shoichi. [Spanner's voice is quieter now. He keeps his hands on Shoichi's arms, bracing him, but his grip loosens as it ceases to be the only thing holding Shoichi up.]

I'm the one who put you in that position. And the main reason I did was just because I wanted to see what that technique would look like if I could help the Vongola draw out its maximum potential. I can't pretend it had much to do with morals; I was ready to attack him with my Moscas on your orders up to that point. And I knew what the consequences for betraying the Millefiore would be - and who'd probably have to give the order.

Maybe it all worked out in the end, but my reason for putting you in that position was pretty shallow. And it's not like you could have done anything differently. Even if you'd told Iris and Ginger Bread to bring me in alive, I don't know if they would have listened - and it might've screwed up your plans, too. The only way things could have been different is if I hadn't defected.

So...it's okay to be mad at me. I knew it'd make things harder for you, and I still left just because I couldn't leave something alone. And it actually made things even harder on you than I knew at the time, too. I know you're upset about what you did, but at least you had to do it. I had a choice.

...Spanner... No one could make you stop following your curiosity unless they took an ice pick to your skull.... And frankly, I'm not sure that's a guarantee.

[Feeling every bit of exhaustion that his anxiety has been snapping at start to weigh on him, Shoichi wavers a bit before leaning forward with his head against Spanner's shoulder.]

...I knew what happened the second they got one of the Mosca's black boxes and said it didn't go along with the story you gave.

[Spanner rests a hand on Shoichi's head, smiling fondly.] I know. I figured if anyone would understand, you would...but I still felt bad. I wanted to follow it up, but I didn't want to cause problems for you.

[A pause.] I didn't really care about any of the rest of the Millefiore. Aside from their resources, you were the only good thing about it. I think it's the closest I ever came to passing up on something that fascinated me so much. [The stick of his lollipop moves to the other side of his mouth.] I think that Gokudera guy would tie me up and hand me back over to Byakuran if he knew how close I came to shooting the boss.

[Considering the intensity of Spanner's curiosity when he gets fascinated by something... Shoichi guesses that's sort of like a compliment, even if Spanner didn't go along with it. Shifting a bit so that he can look up at Spanner, Shoichi snorts.]

...Well.. It's not like I can say I didn't feel the same way most of the time.

[Spanner and, funnily enough, the Cervello who worked with him were the only ones he actually liked in any capacity, and frankly the Cervello had come as a surprise.]

I thought about trying to make an excuse for you... Like, maybe you'd been taken hostage, but Iris and Ginger caught onto things too fast.. It wouldn't have been believable. And then...

[He'd gotten a front row seat to watching his closest friend almost get murdered. Shoichi isn't sure if he'll ever get over that.]

...it must've been hard for you. [Spanner knows Shoichi better than anyone else besides Byakuran - and, given that Shoichi's spent half his friendship with Byakuran lying and putting up false fronts, maybe Spanner could even be said to know him better. So when he'd seen Shoichi that day when his mask dropped, when he'd finally laid all his cards on the table...it was Spanner more than anyone else who could see the incredible strain it had been, how exhausted and shaky and desperate and relieved and frightened all at once that Shoichi had been.

And he's realizing now that he still hadn't been seeing all of it, because this pocket of stress had been hiding itself until this current eruption.]

...I'm okay, you know. [He's not really sure what else to say in this situation. What else would suffice.] I had the boss and Mini Mosca there with me.

I know they were there, but you still-!!

[Wait, no, dammit, he's not going to yell at his best friend who almost died because of him. Frustrated and wanting to curl up in a ball, he buries his face into Spanner's shoulder to make some loud frustrated noises.]

[This isn't going how he wanted it to get. Granted, Shoichi doesn't even know how he wanted it to go, besides just... getting it all off of his chest. The specifics... He didn't think too hard about.]

[After a second, however, he stops leaning so heavily against him, moving just enough so his words can be heard clearly.]

I'm... sorry about Mini Mosca.

[Spanner's mildly baffled by the sounds Shoichi is making into his shoulder. He can tell Shoichi's frustrated, but for the life of him he's not sure what with. Is he supposed to be doing something different...?]

Do you...want me to be mad at you? [He's not sure why Shoichi would want that, especially when the Vongola and their allies had been plenty suspicious and accusatory of Shoichi's actions already. But it seems to be the only hypothesis that fits the facts. Shoichi keeps arguing against himself.

At the mention of Mini Mosca, a sort of stillness goes through Spanner. It's not a tensing of muscles, or a spasm, or really any definable movement at all. It's more like even minor movements go still, as though someone's draped a lead blanket over him - a perceptible weight.

The loss of Mini Mosca is the only thing - besides the loss of Shoichi as an ally and friend, which had turned out to be blessedly temporary - that had really affected Spanner. That had hurt.]

...it was my fault. [Spanner's voice is quiet.] I made his AI too advanced for what he was. And on top of that, I didn't give him any weapons. If he hadn't developed loyalty, or hadn't been able to ignore my commands, or even if he'd been able to defend himself...

Kind of ironic, a weapons engineer making something with no weapons when it needs them.

[Is that what he wants? It sounds contradictory to everything he's trying to accomplish, honestly- he'd even snapped out at some of the Vongola members who'd questioned his honesty. Things are stressful enough, they're on a time limit, their enemy is bigger than any of them...]

[...But maybe it's right. Somewhere, maybe there's a nugget of truth to the idea. Byakuran had always been seeing through him, he's still going to end up leading to the death of someone he'd once considered a close friend, he'd almost done that anyway to another who wasn't even really involved in all of it...]

[It's hard to feel like he hasn't done something wrong. If only he'd realized that he was never trusted in the first place, if only he'd sent someone else instead of Spanner, if only, if only, if only...]

[He shouldn't drag Spanner into those kind of complicated feelings, his own weird twist of inept guilt and other things. Besides, there's other things to focus on.]

...Even as engineers, there's some things we can't realize until it's happened. We try, through simulations and test runs, to cover all our bases, but we do that for things we know our creations will encounter. For cars, it's crash impact and how it handles different terrain. No one would do that for a child's car made of simple plastic, because it'd only be meant to drive on a driveway or backyard.

Mini Mosca was never supposed to see combat. He was meant to stay safe in engineering, his AI developed to recognize your needs.

So... don't blame yourself, Spanner.

There's no one else to blame. [Spanner's voice isn't particularly full of self-loathing. Even when he beats himself up, his emotions are low-key.] I'm the one who made the decision to turn against the Millefiore. I knew there'd be consequences. Mini Mosca might've ended up in a situation nobody could have exactly predicted, but the only reason he was there was because of decisions I made. And I had a lot more control in that situation than you did.

I wouldn't have stayed with the Millefiore even if I'd known then what I know now, I guess...my regrets don't go that far. But...I wish I'd given him weapons. [And now, finally, the sadness reaches Spanner's face.] I wish he'd at least had a fighting chance.

You were right. Robots with only one utility aren't exactly ideal.

[That’s it- Digging his fingers in Spanner’s shirt tighter for balance, Shoichi forces himself to straighten up and look his friend directly in the eyes.]

Alright- ignoring the engineering limitations, let’s say that Mini Mosca was outfitted as much as a King Mosca. Weapons and everything. How would the situation have changed?

I know it wouldn't have ended any differently. [Spanner sighs.] Even my Strau Moscas couldn't stand up to the Deathstalk Squad. I'm not sure King Mosca would've fared a whole lot better - not unless I had multiples of it. So even given that scenario, it wouldn't have saved him.

But...that's not really why I regret it. Not because I think things would have ended any differently, but...he wanted to protect me. He wanted to stop the Deathstalk Squad, and I didn't give him any tools to do it with. His AI developed enough to feel loyalty, so...I can't help worrying how he felt in those last moments. [Spanner lifts a hand to rub his forehead, which is...frankly just an excuse to hide his eyes. He's never said these thoughts aloud before, and his eyes are stinging.] If he felt...helpless as he died. If he thought he couldn't do anything for me. He shut down before the boss came for me, so...he didn't know he did me any good at all. If he'd had weapons...at least he could've felt like he had some impact. Maybe he could have held out for longer, and seen that he saved me. Maybe he could have even held out long enough for the boss to get there, and survived that way. I don't know. I'm never going to know.

...Yeah. We'll never know.

[For a second, all Shoichi can do is bow his head, lost in his own thoughts. Up against an impossibly strong foe, someone you have no hope of beating in a fight yourself, not even trying to win, just using all you are and everything you have to buy time...]

In that kind of situation... All you can do is have faith. It's not a lot but, sometimes, it's all you have at all. If he developed his AI enough to be loyal enough to disobey commands, it's possibly he developed enough to have faith that he was doing enough.

...Sorry. I know that's little comfort.

[Spanner's nobody's fool. As Shoichi talks, Spanner lifts his head again to meet his gaze, and it doesn't take him more than one or two sentences to realize Shoichi's speaking from personal experience.

He smiles a little, despite everything.] ...I hadn't really thought about how he was kind of similar to you. And that is kind of comforting. If being in the same situation as you means he was thinking anything like you, then...I'll bet he was happy to be able to be there for me. To be able to do anything at all to help me. He got to be there for me in your place, and seeing how you feel that you couldn't do anything...I have to believe he must have been proud he could help, even for a few moments.

[A pause.] You don't seem to have that kind of faith you're talking about in yourself, though. You don't seem to think you did enough, even though you accomplished a lot more than Mini Mosca.

[Ah... He should have guessed Spanner would pick up on that. There's almost no one who knows him better.]

There's still so much work to do... And how much did I really do if he was expecting me to turn traitor on him this entire time?

[Tangling his fingers through his hair, Shoichi leans forward to bump his head into Spanner's shoulder again.]

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