Kei Tsukishima (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
itsjustanaccount) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
badliifechoiice22016-10-14 10:17 pm
itsjustanaccount) wrote in badliifechoiice22016-10-14 10:17 pm
anyway
If pressed, possibly under pure torture and with a loved one hanging over a tank of sharks, Tsukishima would have to admit he's not entirely sure when he started to like Kuroo beyond as a friend or an upperclassman.
And, if pointed out that something like that was a really shitty disconnect between his mind and his own emotions, he would have walked away, loved one and tank of sharks be damned.
Honestly... How do you even figure something like that out? Maybe if one of them was a girl, this would be easier. There's no getting away from that sort of thing, after all. Tsukishima hasn't even tried to search it out but it's still found him: cutesty advertisements, some romcom before he could switch the channel, girls cornering him after school with confessions...
It's almost funny. He always figured that he'd never been interested in any of them because, well, how could he be? None of them had actually really talked to him before their confessions, outside of mundane every day interactions in the classroom.
Maybe that still holds true. But he's never looked a girl like how, one day, he suddenly looked at Kuroo and realized quiet excitement was thrumming through his veins from how close they were.
Tsukishima, of course, handled it in only the most emotionally healthy and responsible way: he locked his newly realized crush down like he was trying to bury a corpse in the middle of the woods.
After all... It's for the best. He can deal with himself being gay just fine. Maybe it'd cause a crisis in someone else but, really, who cares? It's his own issue that no one else will probably ever get to figure out. But Kuroo? Right. Girls already seem to fawn enough over him; not as bad as a certain setter Karasuno's little king butts heads with so much but enough for Tsukishima to notice the attention. Enough for him to notice Kuroo didn't exactly shy away from it, although, since they didn't attend the same high school, he couldn't really say much more than that.
So it was better not to try- a mantra that Tsukishima had quietly put on repeat in his mind so much he didn't even have to think about it before falling back on old habits. Too much risk, even for something that might be worth it... So better not to try, not to make a scene, not to offer his feelings on a silver platter with the hefty chance that he'd merely be watching them get dashed on the ground.
Always a good plan, in his opinion. No chance of it causing the worst kind of damage. Of course, that means he never gets anywhere, either, but does he really need to? His relationship with Kuroo is fine as it is: platonic.
Tsukishima doesn't really think it'll change all that much once Kuroo goes to college, except maybe the possibility of Kuroo focusing more on people his own age instead of someone who was once his underclassman from another school. However, two surprises come for him:
The first is that Kuroo gladly keeps fairly regular contact, not just with him but with others not yet at college level too.
The second is...
...He's always known Kuroo was popular. There's no need to be surprised that the trait had carried into college from high school. It's just... a very different kind of popularity than what could happen in high school. Observation is one of Tsukishima's better skills, even with his lack of social interest, and it's impossible for him to miss the signs. Between listening to conversation between other people who know him, talking with him over video chat, even the rare trip into the city and spotting a telltale bruise peeking out from his shirt collar...
He's not envious or anything. At least, Tsukishima is pretty sure he's not, tells himself he's not, so that's that. But... It's frustrating.
Did he miss his shot? Was the cautious and safe route the mistake this time, and they could have actually had something together? Or would he have just been another mark, a notch on the bed post, a fling, a hint of the changing relationships quietly going on in the background?
There's no saying, and that's the most frustrating thing of all.
...Actually, the most frustrating thing is that he still can't stop feeling attracted to him. He still looks forward to their conversations, still subtly admires the sly look in Kuroo's eyes and the way his lips curl in a grin. The feelings won't leave, and he has no idea how to make them go already...
Even when he finally arrives at college himself, the same one Kuroo is attending.
The first time in a long while that they'll meet in person, half because it turns out that one of his professors is one Kuroo's had in the past and Tsukishima isn't so out of it that he'd miss a chance to get notes beforehand. All he has to do is ignore his own twisting bitter feelings, and things will go fine. It doesn't matter all that much if this is face to face... He can deal with it like he has in the past with minimal tweaks to things.
It'll be fine.
And, if pointed out that something like that was a really shitty disconnect between his mind and his own emotions, he would have walked away, loved one and tank of sharks be damned.
Honestly... How do you even figure something like that out? Maybe if one of them was a girl, this would be easier. There's no getting away from that sort of thing, after all. Tsukishima hasn't even tried to search it out but it's still found him: cutesty advertisements, some romcom before he could switch the channel, girls cornering him after school with confessions...
It's almost funny. He always figured that he'd never been interested in any of them because, well, how could he be? None of them had actually really talked to him before their confessions, outside of mundane every day interactions in the classroom.
Maybe that still holds true. But he's never looked a girl like how, one day, he suddenly looked at Kuroo and realized quiet excitement was thrumming through his veins from how close they were.
Tsukishima, of course, handled it in only the most emotionally healthy and responsible way: he locked his newly realized crush down like he was trying to bury a corpse in the middle of the woods.
After all... It's for the best. He can deal with himself being gay just fine. Maybe it'd cause a crisis in someone else but, really, who cares? It's his own issue that no one else will probably ever get to figure out. But Kuroo? Right. Girls already seem to fawn enough over him; not as bad as a certain setter Karasuno's little king butts heads with so much but enough for Tsukishima to notice the attention. Enough for him to notice Kuroo didn't exactly shy away from it, although, since they didn't attend the same high school, he couldn't really say much more than that.
So it was better not to try- a mantra that Tsukishima had quietly put on repeat in his mind so much he didn't even have to think about it before falling back on old habits. Too much risk, even for something that might be worth it... So better not to try, not to make a scene, not to offer his feelings on a silver platter with the hefty chance that he'd merely be watching them get dashed on the ground.
Always a good plan, in his opinion. No chance of it causing the worst kind of damage. Of course, that means he never gets anywhere, either, but does he really need to? His relationship with Kuroo is fine as it is: platonic.
Tsukishima doesn't really think it'll change all that much once Kuroo goes to college, except maybe the possibility of Kuroo focusing more on people his own age instead of someone who was once his underclassman from another school. However, two surprises come for him:
The first is that Kuroo gladly keeps fairly regular contact, not just with him but with others not yet at college level too.
The second is...
...He's always known Kuroo was popular. There's no need to be surprised that the trait had carried into college from high school. It's just... a very different kind of popularity than what could happen in high school. Observation is one of Tsukishima's better skills, even with his lack of social interest, and it's impossible for him to miss the signs. Between listening to conversation between other people who know him, talking with him over video chat, even the rare trip into the city and spotting a telltale bruise peeking out from his shirt collar...
He's not envious or anything. At least, Tsukishima is pretty sure he's not, tells himself he's not, so that's that. But... It's frustrating.
Did he miss his shot? Was the cautious and safe route the mistake this time, and they could have actually had something together? Or would he have just been another mark, a notch on the bed post, a fling, a hint of the changing relationships quietly going on in the background?
There's no saying, and that's the most frustrating thing of all.
...Actually, the most frustrating thing is that he still can't stop feeling attracted to him. He still looks forward to their conversations, still subtly admires the sly look in Kuroo's eyes and the way his lips curl in a grin. The feelings won't leave, and he has no idea how to make them go already...
Even when he finally arrives at college himself, the same one Kuroo is attending.
The first time in a long while that they'll meet in person, half because it turns out that one of his professors is one Kuroo's had in the past and Tsukishima isn't so out of it that he'd miss a chance to get notes beforehand. All he has to do is ignore his own twisting bitter feelings, and things will go fine. It doesn't matter all that much if this is face to face... He can deal with it like he has in the past with minimal tweaks to things.
It'll be fine.